I know what we're doing

Dad, you know how you get confused sometimes.
Mom can help you pay the bills and
make some of the decisions
so it's easier on you.
She needs you to sign a paper
so she can do those things for you.

I know what we're doing.
He looks out the window.

You do?

Yes. I know what this is.
And I will do it.

Out the window.
All the things he must be looking for out there.

What it is like for him

I wonder what it is like for him

To not know your children
To call your daughter, son
That your in your own house
That you have a new grandson
To not know how to use the stove
Or turn on the television
To not know you are talking nonsense
Who cannot use money
Does not know how to drive

I wonder what he would think
if he could see himself now
Holding his head, looking for words
Looking for memories
Looking for himself

I wonder what it is like for him
I wonder if I am doing my best for him

Satellite phone

I call out of the wilderness on the satellite phone.
I have only a few minute window.

Mom gives the phone to dad.

Shana, I'm not crazy but I'm in this place
and I can't get out and....

Dad, listen to mom
She will help you
I will help you...

And I'm trying to save us all....

Phone jostles

Okay, dad is not on the phone anymore.
It's been one of those days.
She tries not to cry.
She fails.

My phone won't last, mom.
Please call Jason. Have him talk to dad.
Are you okay?

I'm alone in the wilderness
my mom is crying
and I cannot help her.

You saw the baby

Hey dad, did you see the new baby today?

So do you think I should wait here for you to call me?

Dad, you went to the hospital today and saw the new baby.

Yeah, we did that, okay, on the way to see you.

You went to the hospital and saw the new baby.

You got to hold the new baby.
That’s your new grandson, dad.

Okay, so…..i think we did that with a bunch of them today.

Yep. You saw your grandson today. You got to hold him.

It must have been pretty cool to see that baby today.

So what do you want me to do now? You want to talk to them?

I just thought it was so cool you got to see the baby today.

You saw your grandson today, dad.

Yeah, okay. Do you want to talk them now?

 

I didn't do nothing

I didn't do nothing to you.
Face distorted, pleading.

Why are you treating me like this?
I don't deserve this.
Hunched. Panicked.

I never hurt you. I didn't do anything bad.

You're my daughter, why are you doing this to me?
I thought you were my friend.
He is starting to cry. Desperate fear.

I don't understand. I don't deserve this.
Please don't do this to me.
His eyes, I do not recognize.
Lonely panic, he grabs at his head.

Why are you doing this?

Cry

My soul hurts
Panicked, loneliness, desperation

Part of me is missing
I am no longer whole
Not all the way me, anymore

I see them standing in front of me
Like they were
I am whole in an imaginary moment
And then they're gone

My insides hurt

Her breakdown

I watched my mom breakdown
On a walk, in the sun, with the dogs.

I watched 43 years of holding
our lives together
jostle in her hands and slip
to the ground.

In broken speech
between fragmented cries
the pieces jumbled
slippery with tears
of broken dreams
and broken lives
She could hold them no more
and 43 years of pieces fell.

Into the dirt of the old fire road
43 years of held together pieces.

Hotel hallway

Honey, don’t go out there without your pants.

Well, because people don’t like that.
You need to put your pants on.
Here, I’ll hold your ice cream while you get some pants.
Here, I’ll hold this, you go get your pants.

Hidden places

Someday, when we sort through the house,
we'll find all the things he's hidden.

We'll find his phone.
We'll find his razor.
We'll find his photo wallet.
We'll find hidden batteries.
We'll find hidden pens.

We'll find his memory in hidden places,
and we will remember him.

And we will wish we could have
found him,
instead of his things.

Grabbing things

On the phone with mom, talking her through her new camera.

Can I put the card back in the slot now?

Yes, put the SD card back now.

Okay. Hey, where's the batteries? Honey, did you take the batteries?

I can't believe it. I put it down for a second. They're gone.

Honey, did you see some batteries?

He's so fast at grabbing things.
Oh, they're just gone.
I'll find em someday, I guess.

I will never talk to my dad again

I will never talk to my dad again.

He will never know what is happening in my life.
He will never know how I am doing.
He will never know what I am doing.
He will never know where I am.
He will never know how sad I am.
He will never know I miss him.

I will never talk to my dad again.

I will watch him die a little bit each day.
I will turn the tv on for him.
I will put toothpaste on his toothbrush for him.
I will remind him to go to the bathroom.
I will get his hat for him.
I will watch cartoons with him.
I will dial the phone for him.
I will start the shower for him.
I will watch him die a little bit each day.
I will never talk to my dad again.

Look for your phone

I called mom tonight. They are driving over here to visit tomorrow.

He follows me around and I tell him to help me look for his phone and he doesn’t do it. He doesn’t even try. Then I tell him I’m talking on the phone and to take the dog inside and he tells me he is, but he isn’t. He’s just following me around…I’m talking to Shana, take the dog inside….and there, he’s not doing it.

Mom.

He just isn’t even listening.

Mom.

And I keep telling him.

Mom. The words don’t mean anything to him. He can’t look for his phone. He can’t put the dog inside. He doesn’t know what the words mean. And mom, he follows you around because you are the only thing he recognizes. You are the only thing he recognizes.

I’m just trying to talk to him so he can help me.

You will never talk to him again. Not like you remember him. You will never talk to him, the him you remember, again. He’s gone, mom.

So I never talk anymore? It’s all meaningless?

No. You talk. And you will have a happy moment, or an unhappy moment, it’s up to you. Your talking now is just a happy moment. Not meaningless, not coherent though, just happy or not. It’s up to you.