We do not know what do to with our time.
We call and check in.
They say he is adjusting
better than we all thought he would.
We do the things we normally do.
We don't know what to do
with the other time.
The time we would have been
taking care of him.
We can't see him yet.
Letting him adjust.
Checking in.
Wondering what to do with our time.
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Friday, March 27, 2015
Things
I started going through his stuff,
the post-dementia things he collected.
Napkins, empty envelopes, folded pictures, altoid tins, broken watches, pieces of newspaper.
Trying to restore his presence in the house
to pre-dementia days.
So when we look at his things
we will see him
and not the disease.
the post-dementia things he collected.
Napkins, empty envelopes, folded pictures, altoid tins, broken watches, pieces of newspaper.
Trying to restore his presence in the house
to pre-dementia days.
So when we look at his things
we will see him
and not the disease.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Today
Today we took dad in to the facility
and he will stay there.
Today I am numb.
Today I don't know what to do with my time.
Today I want to tell people what I am feeling.
Today I don't want to talk about it.
Today I wonder how he is doing, without us.
Today we call to check up on him.
We wander around, and sweep floors.
We fold laundry.
We are tired, but we don't sleep.
We think about the good stuff.
We downplay the bad times.
We feel guilty.
We don't eat.
We have a stiff drink.
I look at his pictures.
I look at his things.
I wonder how he is doing.
I want someone to know what I am feeling.
I do not want to talk about it.
Today we took him to the facility,
and left him with the caregivers,
and I looked back as the door was closing,
and he was pointing at us,
walking towards us,
telling them he was going with us,
but it was too late,
and the door closed,
and he was on the other side,
and we left,
without him.
Today I am numb.
and he will stay there.
Today I am numb.
Today I don't know what to do with my time.
Today I want to tell people what I am feeling.
Today I don't want to talk about it.
Today I wonder how he is doing, without us.
Today we call to check up on him.
We wander around, and sweep floors.
We fold laundry.
We are tired, but we don't sleep.
We think about the good stuff.
We downplay the bad times.
We feel guilty.
We don't eat.
We have a stiff drink.
I look at his pictures.
I look at his things.
I wonder how he is doing.
I want someone to know what I am feeling.
I do not want to talk about it.
Today we took him to the facility,
and left him with the caregivers,
and I looked back as the door was closing,
and he was pointing at us,
walking towards us,
telling them he was going with us,
but it was too late,
and the door closed,
and he was on the other side,
and we left,
without him.
Today I am numb.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Just pictures
He ran bent fingers soflty over the pictures
of his family.
Like he could touch our faces.
Touch the memories.
Quietly, slowly, smiling,
with a feather width of air between
finger and picture.
He touched each one.
Spoke to each one.
An eternity of stillness
in his movements.
Slowly touching the pictures.
Touching the memory.
Is this really all I will leave for him
in his new room.
Without us. Alone.
Is this really good enough.
Pictures.
Just pictures.
of his family.
Like he could touch our faces.
Touch the memories.
Quietly, slowly, smiling,
with a feather width of air between
finger and picture.
He touched each one.
Spoke to each one.
An eternity of stillness
in his movements.
Slowly touching the pictures.
Touching the memory.
Is this really all I will leave for him
in his new room.
Without us. Alone.
Is this really good enough.
Pictures.
Just pictures.
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Initials
We put his initials on his clothes today.
Decided which clothes would go with him
to the facility,
and which ones we would put in a box,
for reserve.
Today we put his initials on his clothes.
In three days we will take him
to the facility,
and not pick him back up again,
to come home.
Decided which clothes would go with him
to the facility,
and which ones we would put in a box,
for reserve.
Today we put his initials on his clothes.
In three days we will take him
to the facility,
and not pick him back up again,
to come home.
Friday, March 20, 2015
Pictures
How do I choose
which pictures to hang
in my dad's new room.
Which pictures of us for him to look at,
when he is all alone,
in a strange room,
staring at the walls,
looking at the pictures I am hanging.
Will he know who they are of?
Will he recognize us?
Will he remember us?
Will these pictures comfort him,
or am I hanging them to comfort myself?
which pictures to hang
in my dad's new room.
Which pictures of us for him to look at,
when he is all alone,
in a strange room,
staring at the walls,
looking at the pictures I am hanging.
Will he know who they are of?
Will he recognize us?
Will he remember us?
Will these pictures comfort him,
or am I hanging them to comfort myself?
Only holes remain
Today we moved dad's furniture
into his facility room.
Hung up pictures of us,
so he could see us,
maybe remember us.
There were holes in the wall.
Where pictures used to hang,
of another family,
for their resident to look at.
Holes, not pictures, anymore.
The resident is gone.
The pictures moved.
Only holes remain.
Friday, March 13, 2015
Paperwork
We met with the facility and filled out all the paperwork
to place him in two weeks.
We told them all about him.
How to take care of him.
Because we won't be, anymore.
We won't take care of him.
He won't live with us.
We are sending him away.
To live somewhere else.
With strangers.
In a strange room,
with a strange roommate.
He will wonder where we are.
He will ask when we are coming to get him.
He will wait for us to take him home.
I do not want to send him away.
I do not want to have to do this.
to place him in two weeks.
We told them all about him.
How to take care of him.
Because we won't be, anymore.
We won't take care of him.
He won't live with us.
We are sending him away.
To live somewhere else.
With strangers.
In a strange room,
with a strange roommate.
He will wonder where we are.
He will ask when we are coming to get him.
He will wait for us to take him home.
I do not want to send him away.
I do not want to have to do this.
Saturday, March 7, 2015
His Birthday
Yesterday was his 67th birthday
Mom took him to pick out a cake
He chose a leopard print chocolate heart cake
He didn't know it was his birthday
We wished him Happy Birthday
He didn't know what that meant
We ate cake
He tried to put his bowl in the toilet
We told him it was his birthday
He talked about a guy in the room, who didn't exist
Last year he knew what his birthday was
He didn't know it was the day until we told him
But then he was happy it was his birthday
We took him to lunch
He got impatient and upset and we had to leave early
He knew what the word birthday meant
This year, the words didn't mean anything
I think last year was the last birthday
He would be aware of
I am glad I was there
Even if we did have to leave early
Mom took him to pick out a cake
He chose a leopard print chocolate heart cake
He didn't know it was his birthday
We wished him Happy Birthday
He didn't know what that meant
We ate cake
He tried to put his bowl in the toilet
We told him it was his birthday
He talked about a guy in the room, who didn't exist
Last year he knew what his birthday was
He didn't know it was the day until we told him
But then he was happy it was his birthday
We took him to lunch
He got impatient and upset and we had to leave early
He knew what the word birthday meant
This year, the words didn't mean anything
I think last year was the last birthday
He would be aware of
I am glad I was there
Even if we did have to leave early
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