My Character

Sometimes I make up stories

like movies and scenes

that I imagine are real.

And my character is

tormented and angry

and sad and lonely

and guilty and worried

and awkard

and wanting help

and not wanting to be helped.

So that I can feel the

made up emotions of

of a made up story

of my made up character

and not the real ones

for the real reasons.  

Is he in there

Is he in there.

Is he trying to speak
and he hears the non-sense
words coming out,
but that's not what he
tried to say
and he knows
it's wrong
but he can't make his
mouth work.

Is he like a paralyzed
man trying to move,
knowing how to move,
knowing he can't now.

Is he trapped in there like that.
Does he know the disease is trapping him.

Hearing what he says doesn't make sense.
Hearing us speak back to his nonsense.
Saying the words over and over,
hearing them come out wrong.
Wanting to say the words
so we will know he is in there
trying to get out.

Is he in there
knowing he can't?

Don't forget

Don't forget to speak
to his eternal self
though it is temporarily
trapped
in disease
that makes one think
he can't hear you,
but he can.

His soul can.

How is it?

Hey ma, so how is it now,
by yourself in the house?

Oh, it's weird.
I miss dad being here.
You know, when he was nice, not the agitated times.
I don't like thinking about him being somewhere else.
I guess I will get used to it though, huh?
Like my mom said, after my dad died, you just get used to it,
it's not comfortable, you just get used to it.
I guess that's how it is.

When will I stop looking

Last night I spent hours online,
again,
researching a last hope
given by a single doctor
two years ago.

He wasn't really wrong,
but it is still,
Alzheimer's.

And I wondered if that
was truly my last hope
of waking dad up.

But I will most likely
keep looking for another hope.
When will I stop looking?
How could I stop looking?

Go home again

Hi, this is Shana. Is it a good time to talk to my dad?
Yep, hold on, let me get him.

Hello?

Hi dad.
Well hi, son. Gosh, how are you?
I’m good dad. I’m calling to say hi to you.
Well that’s great. Good to hear from you.

When are you coming to get me outta here?

I’d sure like to go home.
I don’t think I did anything wrong to be in here.

I got some work to do in town, dad, and then I will come see you.

Ok, I can pack my stuff up and be ready

for when you get here.

I saw a little bear today, dad. He was a little cinnamon color.

Oh yeah, they had them in here today too.

I think about three or eight.

Oh wow. That must’ve been exciting.

It was. Got a little hairy ya know.

They were wandering around over there.
I think they came outta that way or something.

So, I’ll be ready when you get here and you can

take me home then?

When I finish up with work I’ll come see ya.

Yeah. Gosh you’re a good son, er son, ah, daughter.

Then we could go home to mom and be a dad and mom and daughter again.

Hey dad

Hey pop.
I have to go back to Idaho now.
I got work there to do.
We've been through some tough stuff here lately, huh.
But you're a tough old guy,
and you're doing really good now.
You look happy and healthy again.

I will call you like, everyday, to talk.
And don't worry, I'll still check up on everything for you.
But I can't stay here any longer, right now.
You know I have work.
And I know you understand, dad.

But,
I will miss seeing you all the time.
I will miss hanging out with you.
I will miss joking around with you.
I will miss watching out for you.
I will miss taking care of you.

So for now I gotta go, dad.
I will miss you.
I love you.
See you later, dad.