Except

 I feel…..like he’s dead. 

Like my dad, who remembers me, 

who knows me, 

our history,  

my story, 

is dead. 

 

Except that I call and talk to his voice. 

And I see his body walking around,  

wearing his clothes. 

 

And I don’t know how to mourn for someone 

who isn’t dead, but is gone. 

In a building

 In a building 

 

My dad is somewhere else. 

When I call mom, 

he is not at home anymore. 

I don't call home to talk to him. 

 

My dad is locked in a building 

and when I call, I ask if it is a good time 

to talk to him, 

because strangers know more 

about him now, than me. 

 

And when I call 

he tries to tell me where he is, 

so I can come get him. 

Because he is not home, 

anymore. 

 

He is someplace else. 

Locked in a building. 

Waiting for me to get him out. 

So he can come home. 

 

And I put him there. 

Everyday, I think about that. 

Having to do that. 

He already is

Did you get the picture I sent?

Yes, I got it yesterday.

I put my name on it so he could

see that it was me.

I showed it to him and he read your name

and he was showing people your picture.

Oh good. So it made him happy.

Don’t worry, Shana, he won’t forget you.

And I think to myself

Of course he will, mom.

He already is.

It's your daughter

Hi, it’s Shana.

Is it a good time to talk to dad?

Well let’s try.

The last few days he hasn’t been able

to figure out how to talk on the phone.

Yeah, he’s having a hard time understanding

that someone is talking to him.

Jim, it’s your daughter, Shana.

Say hello.

Put this to your ear.

Now say hello to Shana.

Right here, Jim.

It’s Shana. Say hello.

It’s okay. It’s alright. I will try again tomorrow.

Okay. Sorry.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Yeah, maybe tomorrow it’ll be better. 

My Character

Sometimes I make up stories

like movies and scenes

that I imagine are real.

And my character is

tormented and angry

and sad and lonely

and guilty and worried

and awkard

and wanting help

and not wanting to be helped.

So that I can feel the

made up emotions of

of a made up story

of my made up character

and not the real ones

for the real reasons.  

Is he in there

Is he in there.

Is he trying to speak
and he hears the non-sense
words coming out,
but that's not what he
tried to say
and he knows
it's wrong
but he can't make his
mouth work.

Is he like a paralyzed
man trying to move,
knowing how to move,
knowing he can't now.

Is he trapped in there like that.
Does he know the disease is trapping him.

Hearing what he says doesn't make sense.
Hearing us speak back to his nonsense.
Saying the words over and over,
hearing them come out wrong.
Wanting to say the words
so we will know he is in there
trying to get out.

Is he in there
knowing he can't?

Don't forget

Don't forget to speak
to his eternal self
though it is temporarily
trapped
in disease
that makes one think
he can't hear you,
but he can.

His soul can.