He didn't wanna walk

 I tried to take him for a walk. 

My mom is on the phone for my daily update. 

 

You know, down the block to where ponies live.  

He likes seeing the ponies. 

But he wouldn’t walk today.  

He just kept stopping. 

I pulled on his hand and he would take a few steps, 

and then stop. 

I told him we were going to see the ponies. 

But he didn’t seem to care. 

He just stood there. 

So I took him back. 

 

And he sat in a chair in the living room 

and didn’t watch tv.  

He just looked at nothing. 

I could see it in his eyes. 

They didn’t see anything. 

 

I guess I’ll try again tomorrow. 

Except

 I feel…..like he’s dead. 

Like my dad, who remembers me, 

who knows me, 

our history,  

my story, 

is dead. 

 

Except that I call and talk to his voice. 

And I see his body walking around,  

wearing his clothes. 

 

And I don’t know how to mourn for someone 

who isn’t dead, but is gone. 

In a building

 In a building 

 

My dad is somewhere else. 

When I call mom, 

he is not at home anymore. 

I don't call home to talk to him. 

 

My dad is locked in a building 

and when I call, I ask if it is a good time 

to talk to him, 

because strangers know more 

about him now, than me. 

 

And when I call 

he tries to tell me where he is, 

so I can come get him. 

Because he is not home, 

anymore. 

 

He is someplace else. 

Locked in a building. 

Waiting for me to get him out. 

So he can come home. 

 

And I put him there. 

Everyday, I think about that. 

Having to do that. 

He already is

Did you get the picture I sent?

Yes, I got it yesterday.

I put my name on it so he could

see that it was me.

I showed it to him and he read your name

and he was showing people your picture.

Oh good. So it made him happy.

Don’t worry, Shana, he won’t forget you.

And I think to myself

Of course he will, mom.

He already is.

It's your daughter

Hi, it’s Shana.

Is it a good time to talk to dad?

Well let’s try.

The last few days he hasn’t been able

to figure out how to talk on the phone.

Yeah, he’s having a hard time understanding

that someone is talking to him.

Jim, it’s your daughter, Shana.

Say hello.

Put this to your ear.

Now say hello to Shana.

Right here, Jim.

It’s Shana. Say hello.

It’s okay. It’s alright. I will try again tomorrow.

Okay. Sorry.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Yeah, maybe tomorrow it’ll be better.